Sweetly Broken, Wholly Surrendered

It’s been a busy couple weeks for me. I traveled to North Carolina, Boston, and now I’m at the airport on my to California. While in NC, I heard about Haiti. Now let me reveal to you some wicked things about my heart: I did not feel anything. It’s not that I didn’t think it was terrible; I did. But my emotions were untouched. I remember when 9/11 happened (in fifth grade) I didn’t really know why everybody was getting worked up. If it didn’t affect you, why are you freaking out? HOW WICKED IS THAT! I mean how heartless of a soul do I have? With this reaction, I knew something was wrong in my heart. I want to think that my arrogant, selfish, self-centered, prideful heart has changed since 5th grade. Then I came across a book….

I read a lot this past week. While reading (and having time to think) God blew me up. What I mean by that is it was like God took a stick and beat me over the head repeatedly. Loving discipline. I read a book called “Why Revival Tarries” by Leonard Ravenhill. To put it in perspective, Ravi Zacharias calls it one of the most influential books on his life and ministry. So… pretty big deal. Some of the things he said kept me up at night and made me lose sleep and really exposed my wicked heart. So I thought I’d share. (sorry!)

“Preaching is spiritual business. Ministers could afford to be ½ as intellectual if they were twice as spiritual.”
“No man is greater than his prayer life”
“Our eyes are dry because our hearts are dry”
“True Preaching is the sweating of blood”
“What is deeper knowledge with shallower hearts?”
“A ministry that is college trained, but not Spirit filled works no miracles”
“Spiritual child requires months of toil and travail”
“We are more concerned that heads should be filled than hearts be fired”
“Vital preaching and victorious living must come out of sustained watches in prayer closet”
On top of this, during the fall I read this quote from Bryan Chappell: “Interpretation of Scripture requires scholarship. Proper application requires holiness”

If you know me at all, you know that I like to read. So this prayer stuff blew me up. I want to be an effective communicator and know what I’m talking about, but if I have no power, passion, or tears, I’m worthless. And the only way to develop feeling like that is through prayer- something that’s been largely neglected in my life. God can use reason to lead someone to Himself- he never requires blind faith, but the birth of a spiritual soul is conceived by prayer. I have no feeling or passion, because I pray little.

This past week, since reading that, God has really exposed me more to the sinful things of my own life. But I think that’s normative. I think of Isaiah 6, when Isaiah is in the throne room of the Lord. His response: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips!” You can’t grow closer to the Lord without being revealed for what you really are: a sinful, finite human being. You see, God is Holy and perfect. That’s His standard. We can appear morally upright and decent human beings compared with each other (and by each other, our standard seems to be the mass murderer on the news, and we’re better than that guy, right?) It’s just like Kyle Spodnik is strong compared to the rest of his 3-year-old playmates. But you set up a cage match with me and him, game over. That’s a quick match. I’ll kick him in the head, give him the elbow from the tight ropes and walk out the ring. It’s no contest. It’s the same thing when we compare ourselves to a Holy God. We’re helpless. We need a Savior. That’s why I never get tired of hearing the Gospel. As I grow closer to Him, I know my sinfulness and need of Jesus- the only way to God.

I’ll end with a poem that I found recently, which really expresses my hope and need in Israel. I’ve cut back on the books I’m taking, so I have time in the God’s Word where he reveals Himself, and time alone to invoke and kindle a fire for His name and for lost souls.

Oh! For a heart that is burdened!
Infused with a passion to pray;
Oh! For the stirring within me;
Oh! For His power to pray.
Oh! For a heart like my Savior,
Who, being in an agony, prayed.
Such caring for others, Lord, give me;
On my heart let my burdens be laid.
My Father, I long for this passion,
To pour myself out for the lost-
To lay down my life to save others-
“To pray,” whatever the cost.
Lord, teach me, Oh teach this secret,
I’m hungry this lesson to learn,
This passionate passion for others,
For this, blessed Jesus, I yearn.
Father, this lesson I long for from Thee-
Oh, let Thy Spirit reveal this to me.
-Mary Warburton Booth
I hope my other posts aren’t this long.

Broken with Hope,
Sos